


whatever.

by IDontUsuallyDoAngstButWhenIDo (creepmouth)



Series: Same Old Love [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Anxiety, Body Dysphoria, Drug Abuse, M/M, Minor Character Death, Slightly Depressed Yamaguchi, Underweight Yamaguchi, here we go with the sad tags oh boy, if any of this bothers you please do not read, im sorry friendos but this is a sad fic, some kurotsukki action but this is mostly tsukkiyama, technically he's already dead, the ending isnt too sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 04:42:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6501244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creepmouth/pseuds/IDontUsuallyDoAngstButWhenIDo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*WARNING: DARK FIC*</p><p>“It’s...It’s Kuroo.”</p><p>Yamaguchi’s heart drops, and he feels like throwing up even though he hasn’t eaten since yesterday afternoon.</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“He wants me to meet him at his house."</p><p>“Alright.”</p><p>“It’s kind of a group thing so we won’t be the only ones th-”</p><p>“No, no I understand,” Yamaguchi grins at Kei. “Go ahead. I’ll just call Hinata over.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	whatever.

**Author's Note:**

> yo hey it's ruke and I had a feeling while listening to "Same Old Love" by Selena Gomez and I just  
> as some of you know, angst is NOT my scene  
> just a quick clarification, yamaguchi is not anorexic, but he has a loss of appetite, which is why he's underweight. he doesnt have any other symptoms of anorexia other than depression, so i chose not to put him down as anorexic.  
> i also do not know anything about drugs so brace yourself kids  
> beta @fortunatehearts

Yamaguchi wakes up with a jolt, sweaty and nervous from his newest nightmare. He supposes it’s his fault for wearing such a thick hoodie to sleep, but he couldn’t risk Kei seeing him like _this_. Is he even home right now? He’s rarely here in the mornings.

He gets up shakily, and his stomach rumbles loudly. Whatever.

He quietly opens the door of his room, and pads softly down the hallway. Kei’s door is open a crack, and Yamaguchi peeks in. As expected, no one is in the room. After doing a quick check around the small, two-bedroom, one-bathroom apartment he and Kei shared, Yamaguchi determines that it’s okay to take a look at his body.

He goes back to his room, and takes his sweatshirt off in front of the mirror. Soft bands of sunlight hit his too-thin frame and he sighs miserably.

_Repulsive, repellent, revolting, disgusting, distasteful, nauseating._

He could come up with a thousand adjectives to describe it, his bony, freckled _corpse_ of a body.

He wish he could be stronger, more beautiful. Like Kei.

He hears the door of their apartment open. _Speak of the devil_ , Yamaguchi thinks as he quickly throws on his sweatshirt and leaps onto the bed, trying his best to look like he just woke up.

His door opens, and there he is in all his glory, Tsukishima Kei. The sunlight that looked so wrong on Yamaguchi earlier looks perfect on Kei, even though he was also disheveled looking, and still in his pajamas.

“Morning,” Yamaguchi slaps a broad smile on his face. “Did you just wake up?”

“Yeah. I have time to eat breakfast today, so get up quickly.”

This was quite surprising for Yamaguchi, as Kei usually ate out or with his friends.

“Sure thing, Kei!”

He grunts and leaves Yamaguchi’s room, said boy adjusting his sweatshirt to make sure it looked like Yamaguchi had a bit more meat on his bones.

After brushing his teeth and running a comb through his long, wispy hair, Yamaguchi heads into the kitchen.

“Do you want pancakes?” Yamaguchi smiles has he walks past Kei, about to put a hand on his shoulder, but backing out at the last moment.

“Sure.”

Yamaguchi sets off making pancakes, and talking about Hinata (who he hasn’t seen for months but he convinces Kei that yes, Hinata does visit and it’s only really when Kei’s gone).

Kei’s eating his pancakes and Yamaguchi’s sipping on tea (he can’t stomach anything anymore) when Kei’s phone vibrates on the table. He picks it up and unlocks the screen. Yamaguchi watches his eyes flicker around behind the frame of his glasses.

“It’s...It’s Kuroo.”

Yamaguchi’s heart drops, and he feels like throwing up even though he hasn’t eaten since yesterday afternoon.

“Oh.”

“He wants me to meet him at his house.”

“Alright.”

“It-It’s kind of a group thing so we won’t be the only ones th-”

“No, no I understand,” Yamaguchi grins at Kei. “Go ahead. I’ll just call Hinata over.”

Kei looks at him suspiciously, and then gets up from the table, going to his room to change. Yamaguchi clears the table, then bids Kei a farewell wave.

He sighs.

Kei was close to figuring out that Yamaguchi really wanted him to stay.

Yamaguchi’s always so paranoid that Kei’s going leave him if he’s that much of a hassle.

He’s already unsightly and useless, there was nothing else he needed to add onto the lists of perfectly plausible reasons for why Kei should leave him.

He’s going to leave him, he’s going to leave him.

Kei’s gonna leave Yamaguchi.

He’s gonna leave Yamaguchi for someone better

Someone bolder, someone exciting, someone interesting.

 _Someone like Kuroo_ , Yamaguchi gasps as the painful notion attacks him as if it was physical, resonating loudly in his head.

He’s trying to stop it, but the thought pulses through his being, and nausea surges through him when he thinks of Kei in Kuroo’s arms.

He sucks in a breath after his lungs start burning and he stops. He breathes. In, out. In, out.

_Kuroo._

Yamaguchi darts to his room, and reaches in between his mattress and the bed frame. They’re not there. He checks in his closet, digs around the pile of clothes he doesn’t wear anymore (anything that’s not sweatshirts and baggy pants) and… ah, there it is.

He shakes the brown paper bag, the telltale sound of the marijuana inside finally calming him down.

\---

Kei doesn’t think Yamaguchi is lying, he just thinks that he may not be telling the whole truth. After all, Kei’s known him for long enough, and the flicker in his eyes has been a bit off the past few months. Though maybe it’s just stress. Kei knows that Yamaguchi’s classes this year are difficult

He hails a taxi and gives the driver Kuroo’s address. He gets there around ten, and uses his spare key to get inside. The apartment is all dark except for the bluish glow coming from the T.V. room. He takes his shoes off and enters the room, greeting his three closest friends shortly, and flopping down on the couch next to Kuroo.

At first it was because he had too many papers due. He talked to Kuroo about how stressed he was, and Kuroo suggested that he come over for some drinks. It was enjoyable and it alleviated said stress, so it became a habit. Instead of seeking comfort in Yamaguchi, Kei would go to Kuroo’s house. He got to know Kuroo’s friends, who became his friends, and it turned into a routine to go to Kuroo’s house whenever he was troubled.

They play video games and watch T.V. for almost six hours until Bokuto comes up with an idea. “Hey, why don’t we call over a couple of friends tonight?”

Akaashi is a bit skeptical at first, but agrees, saying he hasn’t had time to see everyone lately.

Kuroo puts an arm around Kei, and the blond looks at him in distaste.

“Whaddya say, Kei? Wanna have some fun?”

Kei thinks about this for a total of thirty seconds. “Alright, why not.”

\---

Yamaguchi wants to call it a ‘slight buzz’, but he knows he is completely stoned right now.

He giggles softly as the smoke flows around him. What time is it right now? He looks outside the window, and beautiful sunset tones grace his eyes. It’s like...four or five?

He giggles again. Whatever.

Yamaguchi wants some pills. He gets up and stretches, and rubs his hands up and down his bare arms. He always does this when he knows that Kei isn’t going to come back for a while (he hasn’t texted or called yet)- he takes off his shirt and smokes weed in the living room.

Yamaguchi knows it isn’t some great act of rebellion against his anxiety of Kei seeing him like this, but it _does_ make him feel better. Yamaguchi’s all about feeling better when the dysphoria and anxiety is too much.

If he had one wish, what would Yamaguchi wish? He wishes Kei would understand, sits back down, and takes another hit.

Oh yeah, the pills. He gets up and heads to his room.

Yamaguchi digs around the top shelf of his closet for a moment, wobbling slightly when he tried to reach the bottle.

He grabbed it, and shook the bottle. It was half full.

Yamaguchi skips back into the living room, happy that he would be able to get high for a few hours.

He crushes the pills into powder, and rolls them into a shopping receipt he found in the kitchen drawer.

\---

When Bokuto said ‘a couple of friends’, Kei thought he meant a few more people, not his entire contact list.

He squeezes through the mass of bodies in front of the kitchen, scowling at Terushima and Hanamaki on his way there.

“What the hell is this?” Kei asks Kuroo, and Kuroo shrugs his shoulders.

“I dunno, but if my apartment gets fucked up, you and me are gonna deck Bokuto tomorrow.”

“Agreed.” Kei leans against the counter next to Kuroo. It’s almost nine and he isn’t drunk yet.

Kuroo seems to read his mind and hands him a container and a red plastic cup.

“Do you wanna share this?” Kuroo grabs another cup from behind him.

“Did you spike it?”

Kuroo looks at him sheepishly. “Yeah. A lot.”

“...Alright.”

“Wait, really?” Kuroo pours them both a cup of the red liquid. “You never want to get this drunk.”

“Well, I’m in the mood right now, Kuroo.” Tsukishima drinks the liquid (it tastes like fucking crap) and after twenty minutes, he and Kuroo are completely drunk.

“Hey…hey Tsukks?” Kuroo hiccups a little. “Y’know how you said you were in the mood for this.”

“What the fuck?”

“Like, drinking this shit.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Well now that we’re trying new things…”

“Spit it out.”

“Do you wanna try the…you know.” Kuroo slaps the back of his right hand against his left palm twice in succession.

“...huh?”

Kuroo sighs and leans forward. “Do you wanna fuck around, Kei?”

“Oh. _Oh_.” Kei thinks about it for a total of thirty seconds, and determines that Kuroo is probably good in bed, so why not?

\---

Yamaguchi is way too high right now. He tries his best to read the time on his phone (still no messages from Kei) and determines that it’s around nine.

He unlocks his phone screen and looks at the background: a smiling Yamaguchi and Tsukki.

Tsukki. He hasn’t seriously used that nickname since they started dating, four years ago. Yamaguchi occasionally uses it to annoy him, but he hasn’t teased him lately.

Why?

Well of course it’s because he’s bitter.

Why does Tsukki even spend so much time with Kuroo? He’s _Yamaguchi’s_ boyfriend.

Yamaguchi knows, even if he’s so high that he can’t see his own hand, that he sounds pathetic.

\---

They’re in his room, on his bed, and Kei suddenly thinks of long, chestnut hair.

“Alright, let’s start this off slow, yeah?” Kuroo again garners his attention.

Kei nods and lets him take the reigns.

As Kuroo leaves wet kisses all over his neck, Kei can’t help but think of how tired Yamaguchi looks all the time. He never eats, and he rarely sleeps (Kei always hears music thrumming through Yamaguchi’s wall late into the night).

When did they start sleeping in separate rooms? Kei supposes it’s because Yamaguchi started having nightmares, so he moved into the brighter, airier, cooler guest room down the hall. Kei could’ve moved with him, but he never got around to asking Yamaguchi- Kei’s always been too busy. (And a little lazy.) 

He’s been troubled a lot lately, but not because of papers. Now, his troubles center around Yamaguchi Tadashi.

 _Oh god, Tadashi,_ he thinks as Kuroo’s hands slide down his body, and his Tadashi-related train of thought switches tracks.

When was the last time Kei touched the lanky, freckled body he adored so much?

When was the last time he even got to _see_ Tadashi naked? Kei supposes it was around five months ago, considering it was the middle of November and the most recent memory he has of Tadashi’s body is one of a sweet summer night.

All Tadashi wears now are baggy clothes: sweatshirts and sweatpants only. He gasps as Kuroo leaves a bite on his collarbone. When did Kei take his jacket off?

Whatever. Forget Yamaguchi. It feels good.

Ah, Kei’s such a bad boyfriend.

_Boyfriend._

Kei suddenly realizes, and he shoves Kuroo off of him.

What is he _doing_ ? There’s something wrong with his boyfriend, has been for months, and Kei’s here _cheating on him?_

“I- Tetsurou I’m sorry, I have to go.”

He’s out of the crowded apartment in less than a minute, and he takes a moment to breathe in the chilly night air and call a taxi.

\---

Kuroo, with his head finally clearing a little, walks to the shelves on the other side of his room, and opens the biggest cabinet, eying the melted candles and the wilting flowers around the photo frame. He needs to get more of those. He finally takes a look at the photo.

“Evenin’ Kenma,” he says to the dead love of his life, picking up the frame. “Today was weird.”

He rubs his free hand through his hair and sighs for the nth time that day.

He feels guilty. “Whatever.”

\---

There’s only one pill left, and Yamaguchi isn’t sure how many he’s taken already. Maybe six? He hopes it’s six. If he’s done number seven however, taking this one would be an overdose.

While he crushes the pill he thinks about how _gross_ he is. Why doesn’t he just tell Tsukki how uncomfortable he is with their current relationship?

Yamaguchi is _such_ a coward.

Tsukki would be mad if Yamaguchi tells him his problems.

Wouldn’t he?

And all of the lying he did, too. It wasn’t all Tsukki’s fault, in fact Yamaguchi was sure he was more in the wrong.

He holds the roll up to his nose.

He thinks about third grade, remembering how Tsukki warded away those bullies. He thinks about middle school, when Yamaguchi broke his arm. Tsukki took care of him and nursed him back to health. He remembers falling in love with Hitoka, of all people, in his first year of high school, and Tsukki being absolutely okay with it, even though he told Yamaguchi he had been in love with him since they were fourteen when they started dating.

But, is Kei the same person as he once was? The grumpy too-tall boy he used to call Tsukki? He’s been so different lately…

Yamaguchi gets ready to inhale.

...Would Tsukki leave him?

_Don’t be ridiculous._

Yamaguchi quickly brings the roll away from his face, horrified at what he could’ve done. That could’ve been his eighth pill, and Yamaguchi sure as hell wasn’t going to die before he talked to Kei about this.

No, Kei will understand. Yamaguchi needs to have more faith in him. He feels so stupid right now. He’s known Kei for almost fifteen years now, and he’s never given up on Yamaguchi.

He sits there in front of the sofa, half-naked, powder now strewn across the carpet. And he awaits Kei’s return.

\---

Kei absolutely hates how far their apartment is from Kuroo’s house. It takes thirty minutes to get there, and he keeps thinking about what he’s gonna say to Yamaguchi.

Hi, I’m so sorry for being such a dick and ignoring you all the time, I’m sorry?

Yeah, right. Yamaguchi wouldn’t forgive him so easily.

Kei wonders what the hell went wrong. He thinks it’s Kuroo who unintentionally made him pay less attention to Yamaguchi. It’s not his fault really, it’s more on Kei for wanting to get a little thrill rather than spend a domestic life with Yamaguchi.

Kei feels so stupid.

He stopped talking to Yamaguchi because Yamaguchi was getting boring.

Kei realizes that if Yamaguchi wasn’t so self-conscious and Kei wasn’t so blind to the obvious signs to Yamaguchi’s discomfort, their relationship would go back to normal.

Of course Yamaguchi didn’t tell him. No matter how ridiculous the notion, he would’ve thought that Kei would just up and leave him if he was anything less than perfect.

The sweatshirts. Kei wonders what Yamaguchi’s body looks like right now, shuddering at the thought of intentional cuts or marks that could be there.

Hinata. Did he ever even talk to Yamaguchi? It was so obvious that Hinata never came over, but Kei just went with it, never wanting to inquire for fear of invading Yamaguchi’s personal bubble.

They’ve known each other _fifteen years_ , for fucks sake. What personal bubble?

The taxi stops in front of their apartment complex, and Kei hands money to the driver and stumbles out of the taxi, forgetting that he was drunk. It’s amazing how clear his thoughts are right now, how his heart is surging with the need to just hold Yamaguchi.

Kei hopes it goes well. He hopes and he hopes the entire journey from the lobby to the elevator to the door of their apartment.

He takes a deep breath, and opens the door.

“Tadashi, we need to ta-” Kei abruptly shuts his mouth. Yamaguchi is sitting next to an odd looking water bottle and a bag full of...Oh. There’s a strange white powder on their beige carpet. He doesn't have his sweatshirt on. They have a lot to talk about.

But

Even though he looks half-dead, eyes red and sunken, and body thin and ravaged, Kei still thinks Tadashi is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

It’s because of that fiercely determined expression in his eyes, the one filled with willpower, the one that makes him utterly and unmistakably Yamaguchi Tadashi.

Yamaguchi rasps, "Then let's talk about it." 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading until the end. unfortunately, i won't be writing about what happens afterwards, that's up to you dear readers.  
> i'll be uploading another fic with an alternative sad ending, if you want to break you heart.  
> hit me up on tumblr @kuroost if you wanna talk about how yams is actually v beautiful


End file.
